6 days.

You know what the kids are saying. If you marry a nymph you better not get the lymph. Huh? What is she talking about. No one knows. Two years ago, I didn’t know that I should be scared. I was indestructible and nothing could stop me, slow me, sure. But a little speed bump, is  just that a bump (get it…my lump…oh n/m). “Pshh lymphoma? I got this one”. Somehow maybe I’ve become a weenie, or maybe I’ve become less naïve, but for whatever reason I don’t feel so invincible this time.

Two years ago I didn’t think about malignant lymph nodes. Or oncology bills. Or updating wills. Or medical insurance (or their present problem of that there lack of).

12 days after being diagnosed I began treatment. I had one job to do: allow nice nurses to inject me with colorful medicine that made my urine smell funny.  I could handle that. (ok when I say “handle I mean stay in bed 20 hrs/day and have a freaking awesome sister, BIL, and mom take care of me and my kiddos) Ok, so maybe a bit hard?, but I knew what I needed to do, and golly I was gonna suck it up and get ‘er done.  I’m a doer. A Martha. Although parts of my life need a Martha I’m in this Mary stage. So here I am, sitting and waiting, and not liking it. So NOT liking it.

So here I am, waiting. I’m thankful for my jobs. Really, I am. But I’m waiting for a job…er more calling to do that which I have been trained and long to do. I’m waiting for December 16^th. I know this isn’t gonna make a lot of sense, but I don’t know what I’m more fearful of, C, or the enormous medical bills that accrues in my “to be pd box”.  I’m a numbers girl. I’ve been taught the responsible thing in life to do is to honor your word and pay your debt. I’ve got a lot on my heart. I’ve got 6 days. More. Days. Of. just. Waiting. I calcutated on my way home tonight. One 30 minute test will take me 1600 hours of work.  That’s like, what?, 200 days of consecutive working? Give or take a few I suppose. What is wrong with me? Am I seriously calculating how long this will take me to pay for?

I think it’s Dr. Phil that says something about the best predictor of future behavior is their past behavior, and I know that God has always, ALWAYS been faithful, showing me mercy and grace, but this just feels, Hard, really, really hard. And I’m just there. In that hardness, trying to figure it out, trying to make some sense of this place.