if you're reading this you must be bored, huh?

I heart my music. It often speaks to parts of my soul that I am unable to otherwise find words to. I think I listen to Casting Crowns, “To know You” close to a bazillion times Saturday (give or take a few times). Ok, raise your hand if you’re SUPER excited about Casting Crowns new album coming out. If you’re not, then you should be, really. So the whole album “until the whole world hears” is good…but these lyrics spoke specifically to me…

To know You is to hear your voice when you are calling
To know You is to catch my brothers when he is falling
To know You is to feel the pain of the broken hearted
Cause they can’t live without You
 To know You is to ache for more than ordinary
To know You is to look beyond the temporary
To know You is believing that you will be enough
Cause there is no life without You
 More than my next breath
More than life or death
All I’m reaching for, I live my life to know You more
I leave it all behind, You are all that satisfies
To know You is to want to know You more

I really am terrible as segues.  Somewhere in my little head I totally see/get the correlation and just am not able to verbalize those connecting thoughts (which totally sucks when you’re writing papers for school BTW). So…

Perhaps, some of what in that spoke to my song has to do with allowing myself to stop, process, and deal. You know change (good or bad) rarely happens in the mundaneness of life. Something dramatic has to happen to thrust change into action. I simply cannot tell you how much of me has changed in the past year, I’m not even speaking of the actual circumstances surrounding the changes that has occurred, but the change itself in me.  I am a vastly different person, in all aspects of my life that I was a year ago. I haven’t liked it, no actually the past year has been anything but a “like” fest.  But change has been good.

My keen awareness for my absolute need for Him has never been greater. My understanding that He alone can and does satisfy has never been higher.  I won’t pretend to act or write as if this, any of this has been easy, or even so somehow all figured out. I think I began blogging, because I wanted to write down my thoughts not just as a afterthought or what I’ve learned after I’ve had much time to process this all… but as a honest reflection, a girl going through- real time heartache, because I know I’ve wrote about it before, but I have grown to despise and loath pretense.

I’ve had a year now. At first, all I was able to do is literally, most days, take it one day at a time. Things came out so fast and furiously that a once strong Riki barely, and I mean barely was able to catch her breath, let alone stand up from the last blow. And maybe that was the point. Now look, that doesn’t at all justify one damn thing he did to my babies or I, but I was forced to learn how to cling to Him in ways I never thought possible (or really necessary). There’s this FFH song,

So this is what it feels like to walk the wilderness 

and this is what it feels like to come undone.So this is what it feels like to loose my confident unsure of anything or anyone… 

so this is what it feels like to walk the desert sand and this is what it feels like to hear my name and to be scared to death cause I’m all alone but feel love and peace just the same 

And this may not be the raod I would choose for me but it still feels right somehow…cause I have never felt You as close to me as I do right no 

So this is what it feels like to be led

I’ve been reading Jeremiah lately. God’s timing in this is amazing. The book has come crazy alive and practical, and relevant. The book speak of people who, “should be ashamed of their disgusting sins, but they don't even blush”.  Having a failed marriage is something I am ashamed of. I always thought shame was an almost natural emotion that came along with hurting others (God or other people). I think people can just become to accustomed to it, that they no longer see it’s harm and pain or their part in someone’s hurt or pain. Jeremiah also speaks of, "friend deceived friend, and no one speaks the truth. They have taught their tongues to lie; they weary themselves with sinning. you live in the mist of deception; in their deceit they refuse to acknowledge me”. I get what could be said. “Their marriage was under a lot of stress, they just fell out of love” or “you know she never got over the stuff with her dad, you know daddy issues”. Ok, if you know me (or what our marriage was like at all), you know that both are bogus. But let’s pretend for just a minute that both were true. I’m giving you permission to go there.  No seriously, do it…close your eyes, imagine that…imagine me as such. Have a picture yet (you know as me as a crappy wife/mom…etc…etc.)? ok got it. Now open. Nope, still doesn’t justify a darn thing. Still doesn’t give permission, or make it ok what happened. But back to real life….the truth is, I made a thoughtful, intentional decision a very long time ago, that although half of my genes came from one person, I refused/refuse to let the pervasive evilness continue. I had refused to let it be a part of any future parts to my story. The thing is K knew all aspects of the painful parts of my story, he knew all of them, made commitments both privately, and publically that he would never hurt me the same ways, and still made deliberate choices to do so (which is perhaps the reason to the depth of the betrayal.

I wrote a paper about marriage/divorce/remarriage in grad school. I am so glad that I had the opportunity to write that paper before all H broke loose. It gave me clear perspective about what I felt were biblical stances on those issues. I think because of what I learned/felt convicted about had a large part of why I fought as long and hard for the marriage as I had. Divorce feels like mourning. I know everyone experiences similar things differently, but I don’t think my feelings are all that abnormal. I think the circumstances surrounding my marriage (and D) were different. I don’t feel like I have/am mourning the loss of love (at least the love of a specific person). The truth is the person I thought I know/loved was actually never, ever there. Not for a moment. He was a master at words and doing things /saying things to get people to think he felt/believed/lived one way, but that man never actually existed. I think that my grieving is two-fold. The first being for my kids. It hasn’t been just devastating for her now, but as I see the ramifications/consequences for both of them,  I feel brokenness in places of my being that I did not know existed. The second being, I believe a marriage is a serious covenant in which is was to exemplify to my kids and the world the kind of relationship that Christ had and presently has with His Church…a covenant that I pledged before God, and I believe that my divorce causes great sorrow to the heart of God.

When tragedy strikes,  prayers suddenly become raw and pain- staking honest cries from the most inward (and unknown) places of our souls. Prayers stop becoming “pretty” or spiritual, but as necessary (or perhaps even more necessary?) than our next breath. Scripture speaks of this inwardly groaning (Romans 8). Even as I stop, remember, and type the familiar gut-wrenching pain flushes over me.  When he first left, all I felt I was capable of “praying” was to mutter a “Lord help me”….which turned into a “Lord help me how to pray”. Looking back, it was a bit of an odd request (at least the frequency of this prayer). It was the beginning of me learning how to acknowledge my absolute need for my Savior. It was early on, that I felt I was given this prayer, “Lord I believe in the power of your reconciliation and restitution, but if that does not possible make it abundantly clear to me and guard my heart through this”. I have prayed this prayer more times then I’ve uttered any other words.  I believe that it was God’s desire to save my marriage. But I also believe that His love means free will. He does not coerce people into living a certain way.

I went to a wedding this weekend (congrats Jess and Joel). I love the Goods. Seriously, I do. The whole lot of ‘em have loved my babies and me. I’ve always felt more comfortable with them, more so than my actual use to be “other side”. Where was I…Oh..yes…the wedding. It was beautiful. The bride was beautiful, the venue was stinking awesome, and there was this ornery [but adorable] flower girl too. ..And the pastor’s message. Fantastic. A couple things that stood out to me: (I wanted to yell out a few AMENs…but I’ve learned a little self-control in my old age.)  “Marriages aren’t there to make us happy, but holy.” (oh and if I don’t get the quotes EXACT, it wasn’t like I was writing them down, so forgive me) “Marriage is a serious covenant”….and something on the lines of, “Being part of this ceremony means you’re to do anything to help this two live out their vows”.  Golly. Those were some great sentiments. The sister and I have discussed how very….very….very differently  her in-laws would have reacted and dealt things. I’ve learn (more than ever) to applaud godly moms and dads who stand up to their children not to just nag, for the sake of nagging/controlling, but those who encourage their children (young and old) to follow God’s principles over their own self-ish ambitions and parents who live honorable lives as examples to their children. How does that saying go… “Preach the gospel always, and if necessary, use words.” It wasn’t about the “feeling” your son had 7 yrs ago on the day he made a covenant before God. I don’t care if he was crying because he loved me or crying because he had just stuck his hand in a bucket of crickets, but it was about the promise of “forsaking all others”,  or “loving me the way that Christ loved the Church” or a dozen other promises he made that day. Love isn’t a feeling (not real love anyway). It is an action. I’ve heard the same folks speak of “love” with the same mouths that they talk poorly about their own children/friends, I’m not exactly sure why I thought I would have been dealt with differently, or that their children would be help accountable to standards in which they themselves were unable unwilling to live out by themselves. I don’t know if I’ll ever date again….but I have a new rule before I would get serious,  I’ll be asking the parents…. “so if your son ever walks out on his wife, what would you do?” There answer would tell me so so much about what their son has been taught about marriage and how to treat others(FYI the ‘correct’ response would be something on the lines of, “I’d tell him to go back…make it right/do whatever it took to make it right, or he can find another place to live [and I don’t mean find another place to live where I can help you out]… Another quote from the wedding, “marriage isn’t to make you happy, but holy”. AMEN. I’ve read the same thing from Sacred Marriage (which is a really great book). …here’s to another saying…hindsight is 20/20 I suppose. (or ‘you live and you learn and then you get Luvs’….which gives my baby rashes….wait, what?, huh?) I've noticed something as of late. There seems to be this cheapening of grace. Heresy comes in all forms. When Jesus was tempted by Satan, Satan used Scripture. It was just the usage of Scripture that had been distorted and twisted (think about that the next time some just says that's what the Bible says) You know we're all sinners. Which means we don't get to call each other out on those sin. Yes, Jesus does forgive us of our sins. But first, we must confess those sins....but that doesn't mean then they're aren't consequences of sin. In the book of Jeremiah it talks about the people being circumcised on the outside (which was something God wanted for them), but speaks of them not being circumcised in the heart. wow. The heart matters so much more than they things we "do" (although they eventually come out showing both). Yes, Scrpture gives some "don't dos"...but it's not so much about what you do/don't do, but why you do the things you do/don't do that seem to matter to God. SO if we just lay out a blanket 'we're all just sinners'.....then it appears that what people are actually saying is "if I saw we're all just sinners that means how dare YOU ever through sin in my face"....when in actuality our sins do affect others (sometimes willingly and sometimes unwillingly). I've learned...no i hope I have learned it as in adapted it into my way of doing life...I've watched the art of trying to convince others (and self) that all is well. I don't get the point really, and I don't get the point of acting like the acting is ok.

One of my passions is praying for marriages. Just because mine didn’t work out the way I wanted to, doesn’t mean I don’t still believe in the possibility of them being fantastic, perhaps, even more so have I learned the need of praying for marriages all along the way. I’d love to pray for yours. I feel great joy is seeing marriages that are succeeding…marriages that continue to fight and live up to their covenants. Would you allow me to pray for yours? The word on the street is I keep things confidential. So if your marriage feels blah, or feels like your hanging by a thread, or maybe it’s doing more than thriving….I would love to pray for you….just message me/email me and be a brief or specific as you feel led. Seriously, I would be honored to go before His Throne for you. Keep fighting, I believe with all of my heart that it’s worth it.