6 days.

You know what the kids are saying. If you marry a nymph you better not get the lymph. Huh? What is she talking about. No one knows. Two years ago, I didn’t know that I should be scared. I was indestructible and nothing could stop me, slow me, sure. But a little speed bump, is  just that a bump (get it…my lump…oh n/m). “Pshh lymphoma? I got this one”. Somehow maybe I’ve become a weenie, or maybe I’ve become less naïve, but for whatever reason I don’t feel so invincible this time.

Two years ago I didn’t think about malignant lymph nodes. Or oncology bills. Or updating wills. Or medical insurance (or their present problem of that there lack of).

12 days after being diagnosed I began treatment. I had one job to do: allow nice nurses to inject me with colorful medicine that made my urine smell funny.  I could handle that. (ok when I say “handle I mean stay in bed 20 hrs/day and have a freaking awesome sister, BIL, and mom take care of me and my kiddos) Ok, so maybe a bit hard?, but I knew what I needed to do, and golly I was gonna suck it up and get ‘er done.  I’m a doer. A Martha. Although parts of my life need a Martha I’m in this Mary stage. So here I am, sitting and waiting, and not liking it. So NOT liking it.

So here I am, waiting. I’m thankful for my jobs. Really, I am. But I’m waiting for a job…er more calling to do that which I have been trained and long to do. I’m waiting for December 16^th. I know this isn’t gonna make a lot of sense, but I don’t know what I’m more fearful of, C, or the enormous medical bills that accrues in my “to be pd box”.  I’m a numbers girl. I’ve been taught the responsible thing in life to do is to honor your word and pay your debt. I’ve got a lot on my heart. I’ve got 6 days. More. Days. Of. just. Waiting. I calcutated on my way home tonight. One 30 minute test will take me 1600 hours of work.  That’s like, what?, 200 days of consecutive working? Give or take a few I suppose. What is wrong with me? Am I seriously calculating how long this will take me to pay for?

I think it’s Dr. Phil that says something about the best predictor of future behavior is their past behavior, and I know that God has always, ALWAYS been faithful, showing me mercy and grace, but this just feels, Hard, really, really hard. And I’m just there. In that hardness, trying to figure it out, trying to make some sense of this place.

if you're reading this you must be bored, huh?

I heart my music. It often speaks to parts of my soul that I am unable to otherwise find words to. I think I listen to Casting Crowns, “To know You” close to a bazillion times Saturday (give or take a few times). Ok, raise your hand if you’re SUPER excited about Casting Crowns new album coming out. If you’re not, then you should be, really. So the whole album “until the whole world hears” is good…but these lyrics spoke specifically to me…

To know You is to hear your voice when you are calling
To know You is to catch my brothers when he is falling
To know You is to feel the pain of the broken hearted
Cause they can’t live without You
 To know You is to ache for more than ordinary
To know You is to look beyond the temporary
To know You is believing that you will be enough
Cause there is no life without You
 More than my next breath
More than life or death
All I’m reaching for, I live my life to know You more
I leave it all behind, You are all that satisfies
To know You is to want to know You more

I really am terrible as segues.  Somewhere in my little head I totally see/get the correlation and just am not able to verbalize those connecting thoughts (which totally sucks when you’re writing papers for school BTW). So…

Perhaps, some of what in that spoke to my song has to do with allowing myself to stop, process, and deal. You know change (good or bad) rarely happens in the mundaneness of life. Something dramatic has to happen to thrust change into action. I simply cannot tell you how much of me has changed in the past year, I’m not even speaking of the actual circumstances surrounding the changes that has occurred, but the change itself in me.  I am a vastly different person, in all aspects of my life that I was a year ago. I haven’t liked it, no actually the past year has been anything but a “like” fest.  But change has been good.

My keen awareness for my absolute need for Him has never been greater. My understanding that He alone can and does satisfy has never been higher.  I won’t pretend to act or write as if this, any of this has been easy, or even so somehow all figured out. I think I began blogging, because I wanted to write down my thoughts not just as a afterthought or what I’ve learned after I’ve had much time to process this all… but as a honest reflection, a girl going through- real time heartache, because I know I’ve wrote about it before, but I have grown to despise and loath pretense.

I’ve had a year now. At first, all I was able to do is literally, most days, take it one day at a time. Things came out so fast and furiously that a once strong Riki barely, and I mean barely was able to catch her breath, let alone stand up from the last blow. And maybe that was the point. Now look, that doesn’t at all justify one damn thing he did to my babies or I, but I was forced to learn how to cling to Him in ways I never thought possible (or really necessary). There’s this FFH song,

So this is what it feels like to walk the wilderness 

and this is what it feels like to come undone.So this is what it feels like to loose my confident unsure of anything or anyone… 

so this is what it feels like to walk the desert sand and this is what it feels like to hear my name and to be scared to death cause I’m all alone but feel love and peace just the same 

And this may not be the raod I would choose for me but it still feels right somehow…cause I have never felt You as close to me as I do right no 

So this is what it feels like to be led

I’ve been reading Jeremiah lately. God’s timing in this is amazing. The book has come crazy alive and practical, and relevant. The book speak of people who, “should be ashamed of their disgusting sins, but they don't even blush”.  Having a failed marriage is something I am ashamed of. I always thought shame was an almost natural emotion that came along with hurting others (God or other people). I think people can just become to accustomed to it, that they no longer see it’s harm and pain or their part in someone’s hurt or pain. Jeremiah also speaks of, "friend deceived friend, and no one speaks the truth. They have taught their tongues to lie; they weary themselves with sinning. you live in the mist of deception; in their deceit they refuse to acknowledge me”. I get what could be said. “Their marriage was under a lot of stress, they just fell out of love” or “you know she never got over the stuff with her dad, you know daddy issues”. Ok, if you know me (or what our marriage was like at all), you know that both are bogus. But let’s pretend for just a minute that both were true. I’m giving you permission to go there.  No seriously, do it…close your eyes, imagine that…imagine me as such. Have a picture yet (you know as me as a crappy wife/mom…etc…etc.)? ok got it. Now open. Nope, still doesn’t justify a darn thing. Still doesn’t give permission, or make it ok what happened. But back to real life….the truth is, I made a thoughtful, intentional decision a very long time ago, that although half of my genes came from one person, I refused/refuse to let the pervasive evilness continue. I had refused to let it be a part of any future parts to my story. The thing is K knew all aspects of the painful parts of my story, he knew all of them, made commitments both privately, and publically that he would never hurt me the same ways, and still made deliberate choices to do so (which is perhaps the reason to the depth of the betrayal.

I wrote a paper about marriage/divorce/remarriage in grad school. I am so glad that I had the opportunity to write that paper before all H broke loose. It gave me clear perspective about what I felt were biblical stances on those issues. I think because of what I learned/felt convicted about had a large part of why I fought as long and hard for the marriage as I had. Divorce feels like mourning. I know everyone experiences similar things differently, but I don’t think my feelings are all that abnormal. I think the circumstances surrounding my marriage (and D) were different. I don’t feel like I have/am mourning the loss of love (at least the love of a specific person). The truth is the person I thought I know/loved was actually never, ever there. Not for a moment. He was a master at words and doing things /saying things to get people to think he felt/believed/lived one way, but that man never actually existed. I think that my grieving is two-fold. The first being for my kids. It hasn’t been just devastating for her now, but as I see the ramifications/consequences for both of them,  I feel brokenness in places of my being that I did not know existed. The second being, I believe a marriage is a serious covenant in which is was to exemplify to my kids and the world the kind of relationship that Christ had and presently has with His Church…a covenant that I pledged before God, and I believe that my divorce causes great sorrow to the heart of God.

When tragedy strikes,  prayers suddenly become raw and pain- staking honest cries from the most inward (and unknown) places of our souls. Prayers stop becoming “pretty” or spiritual, but as necessary (or perhaps even more necessary?) than our next breath. Scripture speaks of this inwardly groaning (Romans 8). Even as I stop, remember, and type the familiar gut-wrenching pain flushes over me.  When he first left, all I felt I was capable of “praying” was to mutter a “Lord help me”….which turned into a “Lord help me how to pray”. Looking back, it was a bit of an odd request (at least the frequency of this prayer). It was the beginning of me learning how to acknowledge my absolute need for my Savior. It was early on, that I felt I was given this prayer, “Lord I believe in the power of your reconciliation and restitution, but if that does not possible make it abundantly clear to me and guard my heart through this”. I have prayed this prayer more times then I’ve uttered any other words.  I believe that it was God’s desire to save my marriage. But I also believe that His love means free will. He does not coerce people into living a certain way.

I went to a wedding this weekend (congrats Jess and Joel). I love the Goods. Seriously, I do. The whole lot of ‘em have loved my babies and me. I’ve always felt more comfortable with them, more so than my actual use to be “other side”. Where was I…Oh..yes…the wedding. It was beautiful. The bride was beautiful, the venue was stinking awesome, and there was this ornery [but adorable] flower girl too. ..And the pastor’s message. Fantastic. A couple things that stood out to me: (I wanted to yell out a few AMENs…but I’ve learned a little self-control in my old age.)  “Marriages aren’t there to make us happy, but holy.” (oh and if I don’t get the quotes EXACT, it wasn’t like I was writing them down, so forgive me) “Marriage is a serious covenant”….and something on the lines of, “Being part of this ceremony means you’re to do anything to help this two live out their vows”.  Golly. Those were some great sentiments. The sister and I have discussed how very….very….very differently  her in-laws would have reacted and dealt things. I’ve learn (more than ever) to applaud godly moms and dads who stand up to their children not to just nag, for the sake of nagging/controlling, but those who encourage their children (young and old) to follow God’s principles over their own self-ish ambitions and parents who live honorable lives as examples to their children. How does that saying go… “Preach the gospel always, and if necessary, use words.” It wasn’t about the “feeling” your son had 7 yrs ago on the day he made a covenant before God. I don’t care if he was crying because he loved me or crying because he had just stuck his hand in a bucket of crickets, but it was about the promise of “forsaking all others”,  or “loving me the way that Christ loved the Church” or a dozen other promises he made that day. Love isn’t a feeling (not real love anyway). It is an action. I’ve heard the same folks speak of “love” with the same mouths that they talk poorly about their own children/friends, I’m not exactly sure why I thought I would have been dealt with differently, or that their children would be help accountable to standards in which they themselves were unable unwilling to live out by themselves. I don’t know if I’ll ever date again….but I have a new rule before I would get serious,  I’ll be asking the parents…. “so if your son ever walks out on his wife, what would you do?” There answer would tell me so so much about what their son has been taught about marriage and how to treat others(FYI the ‘correct’ response would be something on the lines of, “I’d tell him to go back…make it right/do whatever it took to make it right, or he can find another place to live [and I don’t mean find another place to live where I can help you out]… Another quote from the wedding, “marriage isn’t to make you happy, but holy”. AMEN. I’ve read the same thing from Sacred Marriage (which is a really great book). …here’s to another saying…hindsight is 20/20 I suppose. (or ‘you live and you learn and then you get Luvs’….which gives my baby rashes….wait, what?, huh?) I've noticed something as of late. There seems to be this cheapening of grace. Heresy comes in all forms. When Jesus was tempted by Satan, Satan used Scripture. It was just the usage of Scripture that had been distorted and twisted (think about that the next time some just says that's what the Bible says) You know we're all sinners. Which means we don't get to call each other out on those sin. Yes, Jesus does forgive us of our sins. But first, we must confess those sins....but that doesn't mean then they're aren't consequences of sin. In the book of Jeremiah it talks about the people being circumcised on the outside (which was something God wanted for them), but speaks of them not being circumcised in the heart. wow. The heart matters so much more than they things we "do" (although they eventually come out showing both). Yes, Scrpture gives some "don't dos"...but it's not so much about what you do/don't do, but why you do the things you do/don't do that seem to matter to God. SO if we just lay out a blanket 'we're all just sinners'.....then it appears that what people are actually saying is "if I saw we're all just sinners that means how dare YOU ever through sin in my face"....when in actuality our sins do affect others (sometimes willingly and sometimes unwillingly). I've learned...no i hope I have learned it as in adapted it into my way of doing life...I've watched the art of trying to convince others (and self) that all is well. I don't get the point really, and I don't get the point of acting like the acting is ok.

One of my passions is praying for marriages. Just because mine didn’t work out the way I wanted to, doesn’t mean I don’t still believe in the possibility of them being fantastic, perhaps, even more so have I learned the need of praying for marriages all along the way. I’d love to pray for yours. I feel great joy is seeing marriages that are succeeding…marriages that continue to fight and live up to their covenants. Would you allow me to pray for yours? The word on the street is I keep things confidential. So if your marriage feels blah, or feels like your hanging by a thread, or maybe it’s doing more than thriving….I would love to pray for you….just message me/email me and be a brief or specific as you feel led. Seriously, I would be honored to go before His Throne for you. Keep fighting, I believe with all of my heart that it’s worth it.

i still believe.

I still believe

I still believe that God is good.

But I still know that life is hard.

I still believe in the sanctity of marriage.

But I know that some seasons in marriage are difficult.

I still believe God can break generational sins.

But I know it takes a whole hell of a lot of work.

I still believe that God has big plans for me (and the kids).

But I know I have to be patient and endure and grow.

I still believe that one of our greatest duties as Believers is to be an advocate for the hurting and brokenhearted.

But I know that can be harder said than done.

I still believe that men can be honorable and do good for their family without needing fanfare.

But I know that honor is often overlooked in our society.

I still believe in miracles.

But that doesn’t mean God will always intervene and do what we want Him to.

I still believe in the power of prayer.

But I also believe in personal responsibility and being obedience to His voice.

I still believe that Jesus’ words, “Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. “

But yet I also know of wonderful friends and family who have loved my babies and me endlessly.

I still believe that a cure for cancer is possible.

But I know that God is still good even if He chooses not to.

I still believe that mommies and daddies can stay together forever.

But I believe that takes both to live out “feet washing” on a daily basis, and even more so when no one is watching.

I still believe that living a life of honesty, kindness, and  integrity   is what Jesus calls me to.

But I also know that those 3 things are difficult to do and live out on a day to day basis.

I choose to still Believe.

here''s your sign.

My mom and I watched the tail end of A Time to Kill tonight. During a climatic scene where the KKK held signs of hate and ignorance my mom says, "there's your sign riki".
I knew instantly what she meant. Hindsight is 20/20 I suppose, but I'll never think intentionally naming ur children KKK is funny. at all. so there was my sign. dumb riki, dumb. I think I rationalized it/chalked is up as "oh they don't really mean it, again, there way of just being 'funny'. yeah. funny. a group of people who killed, tortured, and brought fear to another group of people who looked different than themselves. dumb riki.

This is seemingly random and I got no good transition (ok that poor grammar was purposeful), I get that parenthood is really really hard, I also get that it's just gonna get harder. My days of comforting a daughter with cuddles, crackers and the occasional glass of chocolate milk is seemingly growing shorter. She (and therefore little he) will be faced with more and more the older they get.

I was told, "I don't know why he is doing what he's doing that certainly wasn't how he was raised". Really? Now, I want to be careful. Days of rebellion I'm sure are to come. But I don't care if my babies are 6 or 28, I will always do everything I can to encourage godliness, kindness, and self-lessness in my children. I watched some silly wedding story-ish show awhile back. I can't remember the exact show, but the families of the bride and groom had (separately) been interviewed. The father of the groom said something on the lines of, "you make your home and if you come back here saying things aren't working out I'll send your ass back home and make things work". Good man. Look, I can guarantee (future) daughter and son-in-law that I will always choose wanting godliness and living up to their responsibilities over doing what makes me feel better. DIL & SIL I am promising you now that I will want (and live accordingly) that I want the very best for you and your (maybe someday) babies.
Another crappy segway...
So when my daughter comes home saying things like, "I wish Uncle Neal was my daddy" or breaks down somewhat randomly right before her bus comes and wails, "I don't know why daddy doesn't want to be a family"....yeah or after yet another day with him that he can't take the time to spend with just them, and she says, "mommy, I know you'll always be my mommy, but maybe you can marry another boy and he can be my daddy!". that, doesn't fly well. Those are things that should never becoming out of my babies mouth. Knowing that the way she views her dad, is the way she'll view her heavenly Father. And everytime I hug on her and tell her how much I love her...and well quite frankly i got nothing good to tell her. and as she gets older and asks more Q I really don't know how to answer her...I refuse to lie to her and yet I'm making the choice to keep my mouth shut too...but as she gets older I have no idea what to tell her...bc it wasn't this 'opps one or two time booboo'...I can't exactly say it was a day one thing into marriage thing, that would be an exaggeration...more of a day  289 in (give or take a few). I am so so sick of lies, and deceit. so tired. and seeing those lies and deceit bring brokenness unto my daughter, brokenness that she never ever needed to feel or experience at the hands of people who were too scared to prevent those things for her (and little him). that makes me mad. that infuriates me. I know how to be a good mom. not perfect, but good. And I know the right, baptisty, biblical response. "Give it to God, Just Pray." Don't you see your part in all this? While I know those things in and of themselves are true, I'm also tired of folks who use those responses as essentially excuses to doing the right thing. and the right thing, friend, very seldom the easily thing; actually i can think of very few times when it is.
What I want her to know is that I love her. and that she has a heavenly Father who loves her even more so than I could ever. That He will never, never leave her. That He is a God who not only says He loves her, but that he gave His own life for her. That she accepts Him as her Lord and Savior, and not just at an early age so that she can essentially 'do and live how ever the H she wants to...but said the sinner's pray so I can sleep better at night'. But that she learns to draw close to Him, learns to know and love her Creator, her Savior, her Friend in intimate ways, NOT just with empty, futile words. May God give me the patience, endurance, and love to be the example of both mama and dad. amen.

hey shorty, it was ur birfday

This week we celebrated baby girl's 6th birthday. Sixth? how can this be? I said in a previous ranting that I felt God had given me songs for both the kids about a yr. ago. I heard Plumb's In My Arms and instantly fell in love with lyrics. It was painfully raw, and true, and I felt like I had found words to what was going on in our world.

Your baby blues
So full of wonder
Your curly cues
Your contageous smile
And as I watch
You start to grow up
All I can do is hold you tight
Knowing clouds will rage
And storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms
Story books full of fairy tales
Of kings and queens and the bluest skies
My heart is torn just in knowing
You'll someday see the truth from lies
Knowing clouds will rage 

And storms will race in 

But you will be safe in my arms 

Rains will pour down 

Waves will crash all around 

But you will be safe in my arms
Castles they might crumble 

Dreams may not come true 

But you are never all alone 

Because I will always 

Always love you
Clouds will rage 

And storms will race in 

But you will be safe in my arms 

Rains will pour down 

Waves will crash all around 

But you will be safe in my arms

I love seeing the little lady she is becoming. She can both frustrate me and awe me, sometimes in the same breath. I've struggled lately in knowing how to love Madi and Clay best. Perhaps, it's the fact that I went into parenting thinking it was a team thing, and now find myself doing the single mom thing. I recently found the dedication prayer that we wrote together for her:

Lord, we thank you for our precious little girl, Madeline who is made in your image.  As her parents we understand that she was yours long before she came into our lives and we thank you for giving her to us. 

          As parents, we pray that we bring up Madeline in a Christ-loving home.  Lord, we know that actions speak louder than words and we ask that our actions reflect Christ. Help us to approach her, and each other, with a servant’s heart and with the love of Christ at all times.  We ask that in all we do that you grant us wisdom and patience.  Lord, we know that it takes a village to raise a child and we thank you for the blessing of family and friends. We pray that they would  provide a Christ-like example for Madeline to see.  In all that we do, we ask that we always show her a Christ –like love.

          Lord, we know that you hold Madi’s future in your hands and we ask that your ever-lasting blessing would cover it.  We pray for your hand of protection over her mind, body and spirit.  Help her to grow to be a loving, Christ centered person, a light in the darkness for all to see.  Lord, we pray that she becomes the type of person described in 2^nd Peter 1, that her faith is filled with goodness, knowledge,  self-control, perseverance, Godliness, brotherly-kindness, and love.  We ask that you bless her and keep her throughout life’s journey, and watch over her as she continues to grow in you.  AMEN

But here I stand WE-less-ness and so I know the "I" part just looks different, and somedays I find it difficult knowing how to do that best. for both of them.


I love her radiant personality and abounding silliness. As much as I worry that she sometimes doesn't "get" life lessons, I also feel a sting in her words when she makes comments/asks questions that lets me know she gets "it" often more than I give her credit for.  She often has more questions than I have answers for, and the answers I do have don't seem quite fitting for a 6 year old. So Madi Ro, this I do know: 

My heart is torn just in knowing
You'll someday see the truth from lies
Castles they might crumble 

Dreams may not come true 

But you are never all alone 

Because I will always 

Always love you
Clouds will rage 

And storms will race in 

But you will be safe in my arms 

Rains will pour down 

Waves will crash all around 

But you will be safe in my arms

slow fade.

Proverbs 26:11

 As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his foolishness.

Ew. that's just gross. we're creatures of habit I suppose. sometimes we know the root of why we do what we do. other times we just do it because, well, that's just what we do. But why?   I'm not a dog person. but even I know that a dog (or any other creature) going back to eat what they just upchucked is just plain wrong, and stupid. (and gross).

I'm hitting the pause button. If you're bored enough to read this please watch this first.

Did you really watch it/listen? well ok then.

This song was on more last summer. Sometimes when it was on the radio and I heard a little voice behind me singing it it was/is too much to bear. Going back to vomit. the thought really is repulsive. I spent about 8 months of my life 2 yrs ago upchucking. a lot. (i know TMI...but I hopefully am going somewhere). As gross as all that puke was, can you imagine how absolutely disusting it would be if I then willingly then tried re-eating it. Seriously. I get it. GROSS. Wouldn't you try to stop me? Wouldn't you think I had gone over the top-lock-her-up-and-throw-away-the-key mad? 

Isn't that what addictions are? It's going back to that foul, repulsive, vomit when God has something so much better for us. And we do that thing that we do...that going back to eating vomit thing and we're just so accustomed to it, that we just keep on doing it. because, well, that's just what we do.

Those addictions, that eating vomit crap looks different for everybody. Maybe it's a excessive drinking, maybe it's some sort of sexual addiction, maybe it's fill in blank. 

I'm not the theatrical type. really i'm not. But I've seen how this going back to vomit destroys. it destroys individuals, families, and possibilities. Can I tell you that I'm stinkin' tired of brokenness. Tired of seeing lives destroyed but vomit eating. So if you are a friend of a vomit eater, will you please do me a favor? It's easier to turn a head and avoid the gross up-chucking eater, but do you think it's possible to love them enough to be intentional in showing them another way?

We've all made stupid choices, done stupid things. But if you are a vomit eater, would you please seek out good men/women to walk along beside you? The banquet that is right around the corner is worth it. It's hard work getting there. But I promise you it's worth it. Because I too am a former vomit eater. And trust me the stuff on the table is way better.

with a mom like this who needs a life coach?

“Beneath the small talk and sketchy biographies and received opinions people carry within them some central explanation of themselves. Stories full of terror and wonder, studded with events that still haunt or inspire them. Sacred stories."-El Presidente

I firmly believe we are who we are because of the people who have been in our lives, whether that be good or bad. I’ve been extremely mindful lately of the lasting impact of how I do life has been in big part of those who have been apart of my life.  Let me introduce you to my mama. I found a box of letters/notes/keepsakes from college days recently. I’m not exactly sure when my mom sent this to me, or exactly what she was referring to (although I have an idea) but here goes sections of a mom’s letter sent to her daughter:

                You are blessed with a strength from God that I often admire. Your strict adherence to God’s will for your life brings me, and I’m sure your Holy Father great joy…. Erica, you have heard God’s call for your life. Listen carefully. Discern his will and be cautious not to confuse his voice with your own. Take counsel with people who people who have a sound and firm relationship with Him. The path God has chosen for you will not be an easy one. When others criticize you, listen carefully and take it to the Lord in prayer. If there is validity to the criticism, do your best to right the wrong. If the criticism is without foundation, pray for a forgiving spirit. When others would praise you, give the glory to your heavenly Father.

See what I mean, I got dozens of these sorts of encouraging words all throughout college (and beyound)....

I am incredibly blessed to have a mom who has loved an encouraged me throughout my entire life. I try to emulate her parenting. I know it works. As Madi and Clay have grown I have become more and more aware of the hardness of parenting. It’s not all about cute bows and matching outfits (although I do enjoy those things), it’s about instilling godly characters traits in them. One of the most important things my mom has taught me was to have a giving heart. Can I tell you how she did that? When no one was watching, no trumpets a blazing “LOOK AT ME I’M SUPER CHRISTIAN LADY”….she just did. No announcements. No fan fare. I just saw her live it out.And when she failed, she said so. She also has taught me a whole lot about what to do when you did/are screwing up.  My mom also has built a relationship with both my sister and myself that if and when in our lives we were making crappy choices, she told us (lovingly), but let us know that crappy decisions lead to heartache down the road. She has always encouraged me and told me that although Christ’s path is worth it, it is and will be so much harder. She loved me enough to give me both words and encouragement, but also the hard part of-words of caution/discipline when need be as well.

Against all sorts of odds she did this with grace, and humility. But for some reason I seem more panicked in my parenting. I want Madi and Clay to get kindness, generosity, compassion, etc. and I want them to get it NOW. I think there are 2 big reasons. First, I know my own future is iffy-it’s as if everyday is another day marked off and the future seems so darn uncertain. It’s as if my mother-ly installment of values need to be given. Right. This. Second. Secondly, I think one of the most harmful things for a child/adolescent is to have them watch an indivudal/family who professes to live for Christ,yet who doesn’t live out the Faith. I want them both to see (and I want it NOW) that just because someone professes to be a “Christian”, it doesn't mean they are following Christ...that you actually know that by how they live. (John 13:34-35).  

Finding the Comforter is not the same as being comfortable.

I'm behind. like WAAAAY behind. Mom and I are both (separately) reading through the Bible in a year. And well let's just say I'm 2 mns behind. In my defense sometimes the OT is some hard reading. But really, that's a pretty lousy excuse. Anyways, I'm in the middle of Psalms, it's one of those "chronological order" Bibles so they aren't in numerical order. I usually read after the kids go to bed, but didn't today. So I sat there on the floor while  Thing One and Thing Two played. It's ironic, I think part of my resistance in being in the Word daily is my hurt and disappointment I feel in Him. Which is stupid really. Typical. But stupid. It's easy to see now tonight how God orchestrated time and desire for me to be reading the Psalms that I did earlier in the day.
Psalm 143

 LORD, hear my prayer,
   listen to my cry for mercy;
in your faithfulness and righteousness
   come to my relief.
² Do not bring your servant into judgment,
   for no one living is righteous before you.
³ The enemy pursues me,
   he crushes me to the ground;
he makes me dwell in the darkness
   like those long dead.
⁴ So my spirit grows faint within me;
   my heart within me is dismayed.
⁵ I remember the days of long ago;
   I meditate on all your works
   and consider what your hands have done.
⁶ I spread out my hands to you;
   I thirst for you like a parched land.^[a]

 ⁷ Answer me quickly, LORD;
   my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me
   or I will be like those who go down to the pit.
⁸ Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
   for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
   for to you I entrust my life.
⁹ Rescue me from my enemies, LORD,
   for I hide myself in you.
¹⁰ Teach me to do your will,
   for you are my God;
may your good Spirit
   lead me on level ground.

Psalm 15:

Those whose walk is blameless,
   who do what is righteous,
   who speak the truth from their hearts;
³ who have no slander on their tongues,
   who do their neighbors no wrong,
   who cast no slur on others;
⁴ who despise those whose ways are vile
   but honor whoever fears the LORD;
   who keep their oaths even when it hurts;
⁵ who lend money to the poor without interest
   and do not accept bribes against the innocent.

   Whoever does these things
   will never be shaken.

then bc of the order of the Bible they follow it up with Psalm 36:

here is no fear of God
   before their eyes.

 ² In their own eyes they flatter themselves
   too much to detect or hate their sin.
³ The words of their mouths are wicked and deceitful;
   they have ceased to be wise and to do good.
⁴ Even on their beds they plot evil;
   they commit themselves to a sinful course
   and do not reject what is wrong.

 ⁵ Your love, LORD, reaches to the heavens,
   your faithfulness to the skies.
⁶ Your righteousness is like the highest mountains,
   your justice like the great deep.
   You, LORD, preserve both people and animals.
⁷ How priceless is your unfailing love, O God!
   People take refuge in the shadow of your wings.
⁸ They feast on the abundance of your house;
   you give them drink from your river of delights.
⁹ For with you is the fountain of life;
   in your light we see light.

 ¹⁰ Continue your love to those who know you,
   your righteousness to the upright in heart.
¹¹ May the foot of the proud not come against me,
   nor the hand of the wicked drive me away.

I got the official "your no longer insured sucka" paperwork today. I know that for most twenty-somethings that's not really a big deal. It is for me. I don't know what it was about that piece of paper. Perhaps it was the finality of it all. I just looked at it and felt stunned, dismayed, and forgotten. Yes...I have my days of struggling with how a man can profess to love his wife the way Christ loves the church.....but that's not who I'm talking about here.  I'm not even talking about a man who allowed these things to happen. I felt these things towards my Creator. But in that very moment, I knew that it was o.k. to have those feelings. I had spent a good part of the afternoon reading works from authors who had shared similar feelings. 


I serve a God who can take my questions, who desires to hear my longings and struggles and most (frightening) inner thoughts. I know that there are some pretty scary days ahead for me. But I also know that the One who knows the very number of hairs on my head will always take care of me, whatever my future holds. 


psalms 37

Do not fret because of those who are evil
   or be envious of those who do wrong;
² for like the grass they will soon wither,
   like green plants they will soon die away.
 ³ Trust in the LORD and do good;
   dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
⁴ Take delight in the LORD
   and he will give you the desires of your heart.
 ⁵ Commit your way to the LORD;
   trust in him and he will do this:
⁶ He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
   your vindication like the noonday sun.
 ⁷ Be still before the LORD
   and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when people succeed in their ways,
   when they carry out their wicked schemes.
 ⁸ Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
   do not fret—it leads only to evil.
⁹ For those who are evil will be destroyed,
   but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.
 ¹⁰ A little while, and the wicked will be no more;
   though you look for them, they will not be found.
¹¹ But the meek will inherit the land
   and enjoy peace and prosperity.

Amen.

----------
Scripture passages were taken from biblegateway.com (TNIV)

Biggy BOY!

wearing our "PAPA" hats.

 gained my hair back and lost about 60 lbs (not a bad deal)

2 yrs ago and 0 minutes of labor later (golly I'm such a cheater), I gave birth to one handsome Clayton Robert. Happy Birthday little guy, mommy loves you so much sometimes I think my heart could burst. In case you were wondering “Robert” comes from my grandpa, his great-grandpa. I watched Clay this evening in the rear view mirror on our way home from grandma’s. I could help but remember grandpa. Grandpa loved my babies. He loved me too. Always did. Before we knew whether Clay was a Clay or a Storrie (come on isn’t that a GREAT girl’s name)….I wanted the baby to be named either after grandpa or grandma. They both played a vital role on who I am today, and I wanted to honor them for that. Clay was born, even before we knew he was sick. I miss him, but really it’s for selfish reasons. I’d take one more of those “can’t deny that you have been HUGGED” hugs, but more than that I want so badly for Clay to see what it means for a man to live out his faith, to love his family, to work hard, to live out a life of stead fed ness.  I desperately want Clay to see a life of honoring your word, is more important than just giving empty words. I don’t know why but there are just some days that I miss him more, I think today is just one of those days. It's also days like this that I am thankful for Buddy's Uncle Neal. Buddy adores him and i'm pretty sure it goes both ways.

Back to my little buddy…..it’s amazing really all what can happen in 2 yrs….if I told you everything, you prob just plan wouldn’t believe me. God has given me songs for both my kids. This one is my prayer for him:

You didn't ask for this 
Nobody ever would 
Caught in the middle of this dysfunction 
It's yoursad reality 
It's your messed up family tree 
And all your left with all these questions 

Are you gonna be like your father was and his father was? 
Do you have to carry what they've handed down? 

No, this is not your legacy 
This is not your destiny 
Yesterday does not define you 
No, this is not your legacy 
This is not your meant to be 
I can break the chains that bind you 

I have a dream for you 
It's better than where you've been 
It's bigger than your imagination 
You're gonna find real love 
And you're gonna hold your kids 
You'll change the course of generations

Some days (ok often) I struggle with how to best be a good momma to him in spite of everything going on. I am often encouraged by Timothy's story. I’m no Bible scholar, but Timothy’s “sincere faith” was credited by Paul in due part because of his own mom and grandma. This give me HOPE. My daily prayer for Clay is that he makes his “bold and courageous” willing to fight off deception from the Enemy and that "He is" gives me the wisdom and courage  to do everything I can to aid Clayt as such.

Bravery

There was some guy on the Today show a couple days ago (maybe it was just yesterday?). Eh, not the point. His family makes a bunch of stuff from goat’s milk (lotions, etc.). Still getting there…..so it’s a family ordeal. Kids and all. The interviewer asked him if the kids ever get bored with it. He laughs. Sarcastically says “No, never”….and says something about teaching his kids the importance of hard work and sticking with something even when it’s not super fun. (ok, my wording…but you get the point).

If you know me, you know I enjoy life. So, I’m having a difficult time putting into words what I want to convey; how I feel about hard-work and intilling the importance of hard-work into my kids. I had kind of a mommy melt down the other day. I was working with Madi on her bike. Let’s just say it was a struggle. It was hard for her. I was getting frustrated. Not frustrated bc it was hard for her, but frustrated that after about 30 secs of not getting it that she wanted to stop trying. One of her training wheels fell off and she didn’t even know it; and did pretty well without it, but when we went to turn around and she realized it was gone that was when the freak out on her part begun. I kept telling her “Trust me sis….and yes learning to ride you’re gonna fall. And that’s ok, that’s how you learn”. Yes. At this pt it was no longer about the bike. The words I was whispering to her. I felt all the ache and fear that was laying and stirring in  my mommy heart showing up full force in that very moment. And I was getting beyond frustrated. And fast. I’m not usually so fast to get angry with her. She was done. I was done.  In that moment I wanted her to just know that sometimes life is hard. That it takes hard-work. (again so not just about the bike) That although she wants to be able to just start riding her bike and all the fun that it will bring, that it will take time and perserverance on her part.

And I just wanted her to know that. And I know that the anger/frustrtation part in that moment had very little to do with her. She’s five. Riding a bike will come. That my frustration was rooted in knowing that I am no longer part of that “team” that I thought I was once apart of to show her and him that life takes hard work. That life is more about than just “fun-ness”, that life is less than about meeting one’s own needs and more about serving others, more about finding joy and peace in simplicity, and mutuality living in togetherness.  When I see those glimpses of her I fear that she’s gotten less of my fight and more of the other “quit when the going gets tough” that tore a family apart. THe truth is they won't always be one and five....where all they see is the fun-ness...they will grow up and have watched the people around them. My job and priority as momma is to model for them character traits I pray they devleop: perseverance, kindness, compassion. Life and parenthood is about helping those 2 sweet babies to become the woman and man that God desires for them; not to fill some whole I have in my life.

I ended up telling her if she was done trying she needed to go inside the house. She reluctantly went. Her nana went inside with her to talk with her. Later that night I went up to her room and apologized for losing my cool. We talked about what “perseverance” means. We also talked about what it means to be “brave”. She can recite the definition of bravery, “doing something even if we’re scared”. Baby girl, that will get you far. 

making all things new.

I've decided to start a cooking blog. bwhahahaha. ok, that was a little funny, no? I'm not exactly sure what the theme will be. But I'll give you a framework of what I have in mind. It will be honest. But I am also aware that in blog-land anyone who wants to can read this thing. So prepare for somewhat generalities.
I have had some reservations of beginning to blog again. I won't list them. boring. (See I literally just yawned). But this is what you'll get from me. honesty. No pretense, no me trying to look all super-spiritual and fabulous. My hope for this thing is that you get a honest reflection of my thoughts and feelings. The not so great, things aren't so figured out junk and maybe just a little of the other. If you've been walking with me in real life the past couple of years, you know things haven't been easy, in fact if you haven't been in real life with me, you prob just plain wouldn't believe everything. But I have and continue to believe that God is still working in my life. That He is continuing to change me. So what I desire to be open about my reflections and my kicking and screaming reservations through this process of change. I believe that what God has for me is good. That is what I choose to believe. His mercy endures forever.