DIvert.

Well, hello there. You thought I forgot about this thing, huh? I can't remember if I've written why I started this thing in the first place. But I wanted to start it in some attempt at authenticity. Realness. I've started since December probably a hand-full of new post entries, but always in Word, and never finding just the right words. But that's not what this is. so here I am in the "compose" post screen. I want my words uncensored, genuine, have I mentioned my longing for realness?

So here I am. I'm sure many also feel the struggle of life. The goodness and yet hardness sometimes/often in the same moment. There are moments of sweet peace and attitude that I am capable of this. Yet other moments of feeling defeated, forgotten, and depleted.

Several months ago Madi and I experienced something that I will never forget, for as long as I live. We were coming back from out of town when we (actually I) saw several ducklings nearing a busy road close to our house. I excitingly told Madi about it and when she saw it she too was worried about them. So I quickly drove around the corner so we could chase them away from the busy street (we live in the city so we didn't even know where this little guys came from). When we got back to them we saw that actually their mama was in front of them so we were (in the car) trying to figure out if we should help them or not. Madi decided I ought to check it out first, so I grabbed the door handle and from seemingly no where a hawk (again we live IN town) dove down towards the ducklings). We both sort of screamed because it was RIGHT to the left of our car where we had been looking out. The mama duck dove @ the hawk then went flying away to advert the hawk to chase her instead of her babies. The ducklings were 'crying' and wobbled over underneath some  bushes. The mama would come back to check on them and continued to 'divert' the hawk over and over again. The whole thing was amazing. Seriously I KNOW I didn't give the story justice. It was just one of those sacred moments that a parent has with a child.

I felt like then, as I do now. God is calling me to protect my babies. The thing is, they aren't so aware of the dangers that are lurking. The "hawks" in our lives that continue to come and attack, I will continue to divert. You can hate me all you want, but leave. them. alone. (the words love and hate alike are not necessarily shown with words but actions).

here''s your sign.

My mom and I watched the tail end of A Time to Kill tonight. During a climatic scene where the KKK held signs of hate and ignorance my mom says, "there's your sign riki".
I knew instantly what she meant. Hindsight is 20/20 I suppose, but I'll never think intentionally naming ur children KKK is funny. at all. so there was my sign. dumb riki, dumb. I think I rationalized it/chalked is up as "oh they don't really mean it, again, there way of just being 'funny'. yeah. funny. a group of people who killed, tortured, and brought fear to another group of people who looked different than themselves. dumb riki.

This is seemingly random and I got no good transition (ok that poor grammar was purposeful), I get that parenthood is really really hard, I also get that it's just gonna get harder. My days of comforting a daughter with cuddles, crackers and the occasional glass of chocolate milk is seemingly growing shorter. She (and therefore little he) will be faced with more and more the older they get.

I was told, "I don't know why he is doing what he's doing that certainly wasn't how he was raised". Really? Now, I want to be careful. Days of rebellion I'm sure are to come. But I don't care if my babies are 6 or 28, I will always do everything I can to encourage godliness, kindness, and self-lessness in my children. I watched some silly wedding story-ish show awhile back. I can't remember the exact show, but the families of the bride and groom had (separately) been interviewed. The father of the groom said something on the lines of, "you make your home and if you come back here saying things aren't working out I'll send your ass back home and make things work". Good man. Look, I can guarantee (future) daughter and son-in-law that I will always choose wanting godliness and living up to their responsibilities over doing what makes me feel better. DIL & SIL I am promising you now that I will want (and live accordingly) that I want the very best for you and your (maybe someday) babies.
Another crappy segway...
So when my daughter comes home saying things like, "I wish Uncle Neal was my daddy" or breaks down somewhat randomly right before her bus comes and wails, "I don't know why daddy doesn't want to be a family"....yeah or after yet another day with him that he can't take the time to spend with just them, and she says, "mommy, I know you'll always be my mommy, but maybe you can marry another boy and he can be my daddy!". that, doesn't fly well. Those are things that should never becoming out of my babies mouth. Knowing that the way she views her dad, is the way she'll view her heavenly Father. And everytime I hug on her and tell her how much I love her...and well quite frankly i got nothing good to tell her. and as she gets older and asks more Q I really don't know how to answer her...I refuse to lie to her and yet I'm making the choice to keep my mouth shut too...but as she gets older I have no idea what to tell her...bc it wasn't this 'opps one or two time booboo'...I can't exactly say it was a day one thing into marriage thing, that would be an exaggeration...more of a day  289 in (give or take a few). I am so so sick of lies, and deceit. so tired. and seeing those lies and deceit bring brokenness unto my daughter, brokenness that she never ever needed to feel or experience at the hands of people who were too scared to prevent those things for her (and little him). that makes me mad. that infuriates me. I know how to be a good mom. not perfect, but good. And I know the right, baptisty, biblical response. "Give it to God, Just Pray." Don't you see your part in all this? While I know those things in and of themselves are true, I'm also tired of folks who use those responses as essentially excuses to doing the right thing. and the right thing, friend, very seldom the easily thing; actually i can think of very few times when it is.
What I want her to know is that I love her. and that she has a heavenly Father who loves her even more so than I could ever. That He will never, never leave her. That He is a God who not only says He loves her, but that he gave His own life for her. That she accepts Him as her Lord and Savior, and not just at an early age so that she can essentially 'do and live how ever the H she wants to...but said the sinner's pray so I can sleep better at night'. But that she learns to draw close to Him, learns to know and love her Creator, her Savior, her Friend in intimate ways, NOT just with empty, futile words. May God give me the patience, endurance, and love to be the example of both mama and dad. amen.

hey shorty, it was ur birfday

This week we celebrated baby girl's 6th birthday. Sixth? how can this be? I said in a previous ranting that I felt God had given me songs for both the kids about a yr. ago. I heard Plumb's In My Arms and instantly fell in love with lyrics. It was painfully raw, and true, and I felt like I had found words to what was going on in our world.

Your baby blues
So full of wonder
Your curly cues
Your contageous smile
And as I watch
You start to grow up
All I can do is hold you tight
Knowing clouds will rage
And storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms
Story books full of fairy tales
Of kings and queens and the bluest skies
My heart is torn just in knowing
You'll someday see the truth from lies
Knowing clouds will rage 

And storms will race in 

But you will be safe in my arms 

Rains will pour down 

Waves will crash all around 

But you will be safe in my arms
Castles they might crumble 

Dreams may not come true 

But you are never all alone 

Because I will always 

Always love you
Clouds will rage 

And storms will race in 

But you will be safe in my arms 

Rains will pour down 

Waves will crash all around 

But you will be safe in my arms

I love seeing the little lady she is becoming. She can both frustrate me and awe me, sometimes in the same breath. I've struggled lately in knowing how to love Madi and Clay best. Perhaps, it's the fact that I went into parenting thinking it was a team thing, and now find myself doing the single mom thing. I recently found the dedication prayer that we wrote together for her:

Lord, we thank you for our precious little girl, Madeline who is made in your image.  As her parents we understand that she was yours long before she came into our lives and we thank you for giving her to us. 

          As parents, we pray that we bring up Madeline in a Christ-loving home.  Lord, we know that actions speak louder than words and we ask that our actions reflect Christ. Help us to approach her, and each other, with a servant’s heart and with the love of Christ at all times.  We ask that in all we do that you grant us wisdom and patience.  Lord, we know that it takes a village to raise a child and we thank you for the blessing of family and friends. We pray that they would  provide a Christ-like example for Madeline to see.  In all that we do, we ask that we always show her a Christ –like love.

          Lord, we know that you hold Madi’s future in your hands and we ask that your ever-lasting blessing would cover it.  We pray for your hand of protection over her mind, body and spirit.  Help her to grow to be a loving, Christ centered person, a light in the darkness for all to see.  Lord, we pray that she becomes the type of person described in 2^nd Peter 1, that her faith is filled with goodness, knowledge,  self-control, perseverance, Godliness, brotherly-kindness, and love.  We ask that you bless her and keep her throughout life’s journey, and watch over her as she continues to grow in you.  AMEN

But here I stand WE-less-ness and so I know the "I" part just looks different, and somedays I find it difficult knowing how to do that best. for both of them.


I love her radiant personality and abounding silliness. As much as I worry that she sometimes doesn't "get" life lessons, I also feel a sting in her words when she makes comments/asks questions that lets me know she gets "it" often more than I give her credit for.  She often has more questions than I have answers for, and the answers I do have don't seem quite fitting for a 6 year old. So Madi Ro, this I do know: 

My heart is torn just in knowing
You'll someday see the truth from lies
Castles they might crumble 

Dreams may not come true 

But you are never all alone 

Because I will always 

Always love you
Clouds will rage 

And storms will race in 

But you will be safe in my arms 

Rains will pour down 

Waves will crash all around 

But you will be safe in my arms

with a mom like this who needs a life coach?

“Beneath the small talk and sketchy biographies and received opinions people carry within them some central explanation of themselves. Stories full of terror and wonder, studded with events that still haunt or inspire them. Sacred stories."-El Presidente

I firmly believe we are who we are because of the people who have been in our lives, whether that be good or bad. I’ve been extremely mindful lately of the lasting impact of how I do life has been in big part of those who have been apart of my life.  Let me introduce you to my mama. I found a box of letters/notes/keepsakes from college days recently. I’m not exactly sure when my mom sent this to me, or exactly what she was referring to (although I have an idea) but here goes sections of a mom’s letter sent to her daughter:

                You are blessed with a strength from God that I often admire. Your strict adherence to God’s will for your life brings me, and I’m sure your Holy Father great joy…. Erica, you have heard God’s call for your life. Listen carefully. Discern his will and be cautious not to confuse his voice with your own. Take counsel with people who people who have a sound and firm relationship with Him. The path God has chosen for you will not be an easy one. When others criticize you, listen carefully and take it to the Lord in prayer. If there is validity to the criticism, do your best to right the wrong. If the criticism is without foundation, pray for a forgiving spirit. When others would praise you, give the glory to your heavenly Father.

See what I mean, I got dozens of these sorts of encouraging words all throughout college (and beyound)....

I am incredibly blessed to have a mom who has loved an encouraged me throughout my entire life. I try to emulate her parenting. I know it works. As Madi and Clay have grown I have become more and more aware of the hardness of parenting. It’s not all about cute bows and matching outfits (although I do enjoy those things), it’s about instilling godly characters traits in them. One of the most important things my mom has taught me was to have a giving heart. Can I tell you how she did that? When no one was watching, no trumpets a blazing “LOOK AT ME I’M SUPER CHRISTIAN LADY”….she just did. No announcements. No fan fare. I just saw her live it out.And when she failed, she said so. She also has taught me a whole lot about what to do when you did/are screwing up.  My mom also has built a relationship with both my sister and myself that if and when in our lives we were making crappy choices, she told us (lovingly), but let us know that crappy decisions lead to heartache down the road. She has always encouraged me and told me that although Christ’s path is worth it, it is and will be so much harder. She loved me enough to give me both words and encouragement, but also the hard part of-words of caution/discipline when need be as well.

Against all sorts of odds she did this with grace, and humility. But for some reason I seem more panicked in my parenting. I want Madi and Clay to get kindness, generosity, compassion, etc. and I want them to get it NOW. I think there are 2 big reasons. First, I know my own future is iffy-it’s as if everyday is another day marked off and the future seems so darn uncertain. It’s as if my mother-ly installment of values need to be given. Right. This. Second. Secondly, I think one of the most harmful things for a child/adolescent is to have them watch an indivudal/family who professes to live for Christ,yet who doesn’t live out the Faith. I want them both to see (and I want it NOW) that just because someone professes to be a “Christian”, it doesn't mean they are following Christ...that you actually know that by how they live. (John 13:34-35).  

Biggy BOY!

wearing our "PAPA" hats.

 gained my hair back and lost about 60 lbs (not a bad deal)

2 yrs ago and 0 minutes of labor later (golly I'm such a cheater), I gave birth to one handsome Clayton Robert. Happy Birthday little guy, mommy loves you so much sometimes I think my heart could burst. In case you were wondering “Robert” comes from my grandpa, his great-grandpa. I watched Clay this evening in the rear view mirror on our way home from grandma’s. I could help but remember grandpa. Grandpa loved my babies. He loved me too. Always did. Before we knew whether Clay was a Clay or a Storrie (come on isn’t that a GREAT girl’s name)….I wanted the baby to be named either after grandpa or grandma. They both played a vital role on who I am today, and I wanted to honor them for that. Clay was born, even before we knew he was sick. I miss him, but really it’s for selfish reasons. I’d take one more of those “can’t deny that you have been HUGGED” hugs, but more than that I want so badly for Clay to see what it means for a man to live out his faith, to love his family, to work hard, to live out a life of stead fed ness.  I desperately want Clay to see a life of honoring your word, is more important than just giving empty words. I don’t know why but there are just some days that I miss him more, I think today is just one of those days. It's also days like this that I am thankful for Buddy's Uncle Neal. Buddy adores him and i'm pretty sure it goes both ways.

Back to my little buddy…..it’s amazing really all what can happen in 2 yrs….if I told you everything, you prob just plan wouldn’t believe me. God has given me songs for both my kids. This one is my prayer for him:

You didn't ask for this 
Nobody ever would 
Caught in the middle of this dysfunction 
It's yoursad reality 
It's your messed up family tree 
And all your left with all these questions 

Are you gonna be like your father was and his father was? 
Do you have to carry what they've handed down? 

No, this is not your legacy 
This is not your destiny 
Yesterday does not define you 
No, this is not your legacy 
This is not your meant to be 
I can break the chains that bind you 

I have a dream for you 
It's better than where you've been 
It's bigger than your imagination 
You're gonna find real love 
And you're gonna hold your kids 
You'll change the course of generations

Some days (ok often) I struggle with how to best be a good momma to him in spite of everything going on. I am often encouraged by Timothy's story. I’m no Bible scholar, but Timothy’s “sincere faith” was credited by Paul in due part because of his own mom and grandma. This give me HOPE. My daily prayer for Clay is that he makes his “bold and courageous” willing to fight off deception from the Enemy and that "He is" gives me the wisdom and courage  to do everything I can to aid Clayt as such.

Bravery

There was some guy on the Today show a couple days ago (maybe it was just yesterday?). Eh, not the point. His family makes a bunch of stuff from goat’s milk (lotions, etc.). Still getting there…..so it’s a family ordeal. Kids and all. The interviewer asked him if the kids ever get bored with it. He laughs. Sarcastically says “No, never”….and says something about teaching his kids the importance of hard work and sticking with something even when it’s not super fun. (ok, my wording…but you get the point).

If you know me, you know I enjoy life. So, I’m having a difficult time putting into words what I want to convey; how I feel about hard-work and intilling the importance of hard-work into my kids. I had kind of a mommy melt down the other day. I was working with Madi on her bike. Let’s just say it was a struggle. It was hard for her. I was getting frustrated. Not frustrated bc it was hard for her, but frustrated that after about 30 secs of not getting it that she wanted to stop trying. One of her training wheels fell off and she didn’t even know it; and did pretty well without it, but when we went to turn around and she realized it was gone that was when the freak out on her part begun. I kept telling her “Trust me sis….and yes learning to ride you’re gonna fall. And that’s ok, that’s how you learn”. Yes. At this pt it was no longer about the bike. The words I was whispering to her. I felt all the ache and fear that was laying and stirring in  my mommy heart showing up full force in that very moment. And I was getting beyond frustrated. And fast. I’m not usually so fast to get angry with her. She was done. I was done.  In that moment I wanted her to just know that sometimes life is hard. That it takes hard-work. (again so not just about the bike) That although she wants to be able to just start riding her bike and all the fun that it will bring, that it will take time and perserverance on her part.

And I just wanted her to know that. And I know that the anger/frustrtation part in that moment had very little to do with her. She’s five. Riding a bike will come. That my frustration was rooted in knowing that I am no longer part of that “team” that I thought I was once apart of to show her and him that life takes hard work. That life is more about than just “fun-ness”, that life is less than about meeting one’s own needs and more about serving others, more about finding joy and peace in simplicity, and mutuality living in togetherness.  When I see those glimpses of her I fear that she’s gotten less of my fight and more of the other “quit when the going gets tough” that tore a family apart. THe truth is they won't always be one and five....where all they see is the fun-ness...they will grow up and have watched the people around them. My job and priority as momma is to model for them character traits I pray they devleop: perseverance, kindness, compassion. Life and parenthood is about helping those 2 sweet babies to become the woman and man that God desires for them; not to fill some whole I have in my life.

I ended up telling her if she was done trying she needed to go inside the house. She reluctantly went. Her nana went inside with her to talk with her. Later that night I went up to her room and apologized for losing my cool. We talked about what “perseverance” means. We also talked about what it means to be “brave”. She can recite the definition of bravery, “doing something even if we’re scared”. Baby girl, that will get you far.